Courtship.

So today,
I tried to make
a bride and groom
out of paper.

I started with the groom.
Folding away,
it eventually came to be.
(It looked like it should.)

Then, I tried to make the bride,
but couldn't.
I folded, made creases,
but it ripped.

I tried again, with another sheet of paper.
I folded, made creases,
but the more I did,
the harder each next step became.

I eventually gave up,
I was too frustrated.
I could only make a groom,
but I couldn't make a wife.

Our Journey

Dear Joshua,

We've been together for so long now. For nearly 2 years. Although this is the time that it gets tough, when we start getting tired and aggravated, it is also a time that we learn how much endurance each other and ourselves have. This past month has been a big struggle, and probably even longer for you, because you were holding your feelings inside.

This has been a very testing time.

But God had a purpose for this, and that was for us to learn. To learn more about each other, ourselves, and Him. It has been a time to learn to rely on God. I have realized that I can't just rely on myself to change, but if I ask God for help, he will give it.

God is so Good.

I am so glad, that despite the struggles, arguments, and all, we were able to stay together. And I think the only reason for this is God. He has kept us together for a reason, and not let us separate. He has a plan for us to grow in love, and to learn what love really means. Love means a whole lot. I could go on and rant about all of the things that entail what love is, but at its heart, it is doing whats best for the other person, and sacrificing and enduring through the toughest of times. Love is being strong in the storm. And we could not have been strong in the storm without God. He is our rock, our stronghold. He is the one who protects us and keeps us safe when battles arise.

He has a beautiful plan for us. I can already see the effects of his plan in my heart, and in the way you say your heart feels. Despite, or maybe even because of our issues, I find myself loving you more now than I ever have before!

And this is all because of God! When we put Him at the center of our relationship, He helps us to grow in strength and love. He loves us so much, that He takes control.

God is the only way that we can truly love each other. And Thank God that He is here for us!

I love you so so much, Josh, more than I ever have, and I know that is only because of God.

What a great God He is! To Him be all the glory! Amen!

Looking forward.

Dear Rebekah,

So, if there's one thing that I've learned today from watching hours of grey's anatomy and desperate housewives, it's that deception is never a good thing. That marital deception, at it's heart, is rooted in desire.

But what could it be for? A desire for other things? A desire for new things? A desire for sex? A desire for many women? As I watched this show, I saw deception ruining friendships, marriages, love...

Men were cheating on their wives, and girlfriends. Women were cheating on husbands, and boyfriends. And all of these people were friends! So, what became of this devotion was nothing but an interwoven, complicated mess.

How could this have been prevented? A little effort, I think. Effort, that is, put towards their morals.

Put towards their love.

Now, here comes the hard part, the one that I don’t want to say. This comes from a man who has not succeeded in these things. A man who has, instead, turned to the world for affection; I’ve traded real love for a temporary pleasure. It is this pleasure that I turn my eyes to nightly while I am away. The pangs of lust are too strong for my heart to look away from. While I pray for a way out, I do yet still scheme for a way in.

If only I put such effort towards good things, like “morals.” You see, I am no different from the world I jest and scoff at. I embody everything that I hate. I am my own death and destruction.

At least, that is what the enemy would like me to think. While I do these things, and while I am still a hypocrite, God has done so much to make my fate the complete opposite of what I deserve. The enemy would love for me to think that I am despondent. I’m sure that Satan would enjoy seeing me hopeless. My fate has been sealed in eternity, because Jesus Christ made it so.

I seek to encourage you with the truth, Rebekah. I am a sinner, and I deserve the stones that come my way. I am not trying to atone through you, but I do ask for your forgiveness. I seek to live a life by God; I want to repent under his shield and guidance. I want my life to mean more than the sin that runs rampant inside of me. You cannot do this, Rebekah, though it has been my tragic mistake to assume that you could.

I call this a refocus. I call this a call to arms. I pray it does not end like the others. I pray that my devotion would not run dry. I pray that my motivation would stay true to only God, our Father.

My love, what I’ve learned from Him.

-Josh

Collage I made last September

A Year and a Half

God is so good. :)

Isn't it amazing what an adventure He has brought us through? From that first "Amen," God has had His hand on the both of us. He has blessed me so much by placing such a special man into my life whom I love so much!

It went from the Amen, to you coming to my play, to a whole conversation over facebook that lasted about a month or so, and the excitement that i felt when you asked me out for dinner with you and your friends.

I can still remember that first date, Abby and Jenna trying to make me look as pretty as possible by putting pounds of makeup on my face. I can clearly remember waiting for a half an hour wondering if you'd blown me off, but knowing that you're not the kind of person who would do that. I laugh at remembering the little bread man you made with the napkin hat. I remember how nervous I was talking with you in the car and hoping that I didn't sound too nervous. I remember sitting in the theater watching Twilight, and feeling a bit awkward. I remember sharing our faith while we waited for my dad to come rescue us from the ice at 1:00 in the morning.

I remember our daily phone calls after that. I remember bouncing up and down when you told me that your first internship was in Maryland.I remember when, after 2 months, you finally told me that you liked me. I remember waiting for 2 weeks and a half an hour, anxiously waiting to know, and praying that you wouldn't be afraid to date me.

I remember my dad telling me of his first meeting with you. I remember the first time I had dinner with your parents. I remember learning about why you were so afraid to date me, and how my dad encouraged you not to be afraid of becoming like your parents. Remember, in my dictionary, divorce is not a word. :)

Haha, I remember taking you ice skating. I remember your awkward laugh. I remember when you couldn't decide whether or not we should hold hands. I remember the day I knew that I loved you. I remember the day you told me you loved me. (Mind you, these were two separate days, far apart from each other.) I remember waaaay back when, thinking you were perfect, lol. I did, I really did. But, you know, I am not disappointed one bit that you're not perfect, that you're not what I expected when we started to become interested in each other. In fact, I am so soooo happy (I'm smiling now) that you're not that, because God gave me the unpredictable. And He made me anxious to learn more and more about you. Even the bad parts, they kind of shape who you are. The good parts of course too. :) Because I see you grow daily and become more mature in your faith in God, in your love for me, in your care for your friends, in your devotion to your family. I am so glad that I have a companion who is so similar, and yet, so completely different from me, that makes me love you in a way that i really can't describe. (Like, I'm not sure how to put it to words.)

I think back to the days when it got really hard, those days when we were arguing every single night, and I wonder how we got through those. Josh, its a miracle. Crap, I'm crying, lol. Its a miracle, a gift from God that we're still together after all of that. I don't even remember how we came about stopping the arguments. So all I can do is thank the Lord that He kept us together. God really is so good. :)

Oh Joshua Highfield, I love you so very much!

Happy 18 months darling, would you mind if we had more?

A struggle..

My friend?

No, that’s not my friend. He’s just a person I say “hi” to every now and then. Sometimes, I may ask him how he’s doing, or even how his week/weekend has been. But no, that’s not my friend. I mean, a friend is someone who you share things with. A friend is someone you can do things with, and not feel nervous. A friend should be close to you, and know just who you are. But, that guy? Naw, he’s not any of those. He’s just someone I talk to.

Oh sure, I could be friends with him. I’m sure I could be great friends with him! I’m already on the right track; we talk almost every day now. I know what he’s been up to all week, and he knows, likewise, the same about me. Yeah, we’re on our way to a real close friendship, you know?

Well, I guess…I mean, that’s how you make a friend, right? You talk with them, you ask questions of them, and you try to do it often. Wait, that’s not badgering them, is it? Is it wrong to push myself on them? Am I pushing myself on them? Am I being too forceful? Do they not like my intentionality?

I really want to be friends with that person. I mean, he seems like a great guy. He has a lot of fun on the weekends. Well, it seems like a lot of fun to me. I want to be a part of that. I want to have lots of fun on the weekends, too. I want to be just like him. I want to live like he does. I mean, have a lot of fun.

I don’t usually do those things. I see plenty of others doing them, and they seem to have so much fun. I really want to have fun, too. This guy, he says he’s got a lot of friends. I want a lot of friends, too. Maybe I can be friends with his friends. Do you think they’ll like me? I don’t have that many friends. Maybe he can get me a bunch of friends. Would he do that for me?

He might not like it if I just entered into his life. He sometime seems anxious when we talk. He might not like our conversations. Does he not want to be my friend? Do you think he dislikes me? Why would he? I mean, we talk all the time. We’re really close. We know everything that’s going on with each other. Does that make us close? Does he like our conversations?

Why would he dislike me? I’m trying to open up to him! I’m trying my best to stay caught up. I want him to know that I care about him. I want to be his friend. Maybe I should lay off for a little while. Would he welcome me back after a few days? Maybe I should hide myself away from him. You know, avoid his area whenever possible. Try not to walk by his desk. I’ll try not to use the printer near there. I’ll go a different way to the bathroom. I’ll take a different route to my boss. He’ll never see me. Will he want me back? Will he miss our little conversations? Do you think he’ll miss me?

I just want to be his friend. I just want to have some friends. I just want to have a lot of friends. I just want cool friends. I just want friends that are awesome to be around. I just want people who will accept me. I just want to be loved.

You see, friends, this is a problem. I want so much to be loved, and I want others that I can love. What starts out as a small desire for friendship, it quickly becomes an obsession. Fear. Hatred. Greed. Lust. Hopelessness. These are all a part of this story. To me, it comes as a surprise that I can be so involved, and yet so ungrateful.

What happens to those I leave behind? What becomes of the people who already love me? Do I push them off, only for when I need them? Do I just not like them? Are they so insignificant, that I can’t acknowledge them? I bet that they don’t like to be forgotten. I bet that they don’t like to be neglected. I bet they’d be hurt if they knew what I was doing.

Friends, friendship shouldn’t be so hard. This is an obsession; it is idolatry. Instead of serving these brothers and sisters, I am worshipping them as Gods. To me, they are the way for salvation from not being popular. If I accept and trust in them, they will lead the way to a better life. They are Gods among men. These are the titans who rule over all. These people are the key to better living. I should follow them. I must follow them. To me, friendship is so important. To me, having a lot of friends is important. Quantity and quality go hand in hand, right?

People will fail me. People will always fail me. They’ve failed me here. They don’t want me. They don’t want me to be a part of their group of friends. I can’t join. They won’t let me. These Gods can not be trusted. I trusted them. I followed them. I was not saved.

Oh, but what about that guy down the hall? Maybe I should talk to him.

The cycle repeats. It always repeats. I need someone that won’t fail. I need something that will satisfy. I need a real savior. I really need a real savior. I really need a true friend. I really need a true friend, a savior, a person that won’t fail me, a person that will listen, a person that won’t turn their head away, a person who won’t hate me, a person who won’t grow weary of me.

I need God. I need His son, Jesus Christ. I need some help, His holy spirit.

I need them. So bad.

A love letter.

So,

It seems like this is the first note that I’ve written to you in a very long time. Unfortunately, this statement is far too accurate. It reflects a lack of desire, an abundance of fear, and a plethora of excuses. Now, I’m not about to say that I’ve changed, and lo and behold, I’m moving on to something new… Rather, I mean to say that I’m sorry for not treating you to such little love notes. And, I’m sorry for not giving you the time of mind that you deserve to receive.

But, on with the note! So, what to say? It seems like everything’s been said before. That’s kind of discouraging. Well, although it may have been said, the message still rings true.

Rebekah, I love you. Although I desire such terrible things (sex, lust, and other sinful activities), I desire to be wed with you more. You see, when I violate this bond of trust between us, I always feel guilty. Guilty, that is, for he children that we will one day have. They’ll have to live with an abundantly sinful father. Just as much, however, I feel guilty for you. You sit there, you wait for me every weekend, and yet, my affections could be at any random place, at any random moment. That is to say, it’s apparent that my commitment to you des not always seem visible, especially when I’m late for things, and plan things that interfere with our own.

On the outside, I may seem like a many of many lives, but I yearn for just one. I yearn for that life spent glorifying my father. Well, I also yearn for that physical life spent with one woman, I guess… I jest, but I do long for you. I love your embrace. I love your care, and affection. I love your servitude (not slavery, hehe). I love your devotion.

Though I fail in my obligations to you. Though I go astray often. Though I may rightfully be accused of thoughtfulness, you still stand with me. For that, I am so grateful. I’m sure that there are millions of men out there who would love a friend/girlfriend/courter like you in their life. I’m kind of glad that I claimed you when I did. J

I love you, Rebekah, and I don’t want to be with any other woman. I love your commitment, and your friendship. I’m sorry for the terrible things that I do to violate those things. Things like pornography, lust, anger, and deceit. They manifest themselves in a variety of different forms; that is, I’m guilty on many, many accounts.

I’ve so enjoyed these last few (uh, seventeen?) months with you. I’ve enjoyed our adventures, our hardships, and our joys.

Mind if we have more?

The wolf.

Part 1.

I come rushing in

I am the hurricane.

With force, and without regard,

My path blazes

Headstrong, I enter the room,

Halfheaded, I have been all along.

While this audience may not know,

Destruction is certain

Swift, my fury.

Bold, my advance.

Heartless, my self.

When I push too hard,

When I seek too strongly,

I never consider those in the way.

The little girl crying.

The father, now without family.

Why did I not care to stop?

Where was my head, my conscience?

I am always caught up in myself,

I hold a mirror in one hand.

A gun in the other

Terror can be fun,

Terror can pleasure me.

I let it control me.

It becomes my arms, my legs,

My thoughts, my desires,

My life.

I never wished to be defined by that which everyone hates.

Yet, I never raised a finger in opposition to my deadly offense.

Is fear, and is loathing,

Worth my pleasure?

Ah, I wish for things I should not do.

I realize when I do them.

A sinner,

I am Lost in myself.

Imperfect, and fully aware,

Yet I do not care.

God, how you must hate me!

How you must look at me with anger.

And yet, with tears.

You never desired me to act this way.

Heartbroken, you still love.

As A wife, who forgives her adulterous husband.

As A father, who welcomes back his prodigal son.

This love,

I can really rest on.

My desires, they take their very own precedence.

May God precede my heart.

May God forgive me, though I am covered in blood,

An Innocent’s blood,

I murdered with full intent.

I cannot hide.

I should not try.

Part 2.

And yet, I am born again.

Yet?

I never deserved any of this.

I am born again.

I am given hope.

I can pull myself out of my own filth.

Well, that’s not true.

I’ve been getting some help.

I am born again.

My mind is renewed.

How can I explain.

I do not desire what hurts me,

And hurts others,

and hurts someone I do not yet know.

I look on with passion.

I move with desire.

A new desire.

I am new.

MY body is new.

Refreshed underneath the skin.

A new desire pulls at my heart.

I am free.

MY chains are gone.

My bondsge has ended.

Now, I may start life brand new.

The blood is fresh on my fangs,

Though, it’s as if it were never there.

The blood has been washed away.

My tools rendered unusable.

My life,

My life is changed.

And I could never be more grateful.

Though, I know, I one day will.

Seeing God in His glory.

How could I not submit?

A life in pain,

Is worth an eternity in joy.

Won’t you join?

Part 3.

My adventure.

I learn that while I live,

I die.

I am no more,

Yet I am reborn.

I have a second chance.

I have an advocate.

I have way out,

Of myself.

While I do sin,

I remain hopeful.

This hope has yet to fail.

I can believe that it’s real.

I can see how really believable it is.

Join me.

I want you to see this glory.

I know you can understand this truth.

This is no cage.

Could it be more open?

The facts are simple.

You get what you deserve.

And yet, something has gone awry.

All it takes is faith.

And devotion, too.

Are they that hard to sacrifice?

Consider these things.

I pray that you’d trust.

As God is our only hope.

As Jesus is our only saviour.

As life is a narrow path.

Jesus is the way.

Jesus is the truth.

Jesus is the life.

I am loved,

So are you.

Take the gamble.

Make the choice.

Love God,

His wonderful plan.

This great salvation.

Deceit

As it twirls your hair with its finger,

deceit forms a convincing grin.

Its eyes are too beautiful to look past.

You've ceased your gaze upon its black lips.

With those same lips, it lays down on your skin.

Its kiss is wonderful.

This kiss was never reserved for you.

Nor any other woman.

It was reserved for his own pleasure.

To be given to anything he desires.

Human or not.

This kiss; the man's revolver.

Shooting down the innocence

of those who come too close.

Deceit is no hero.

Deceit is not brave.

No, deceit is cunning.

It lurks behind your good intentions

of love, of joy, of commitment.

Deceit gets its way,

As I try to live without,

It's found another way to win.

Deceit is a person

of modest appearance,

of likeable style,

and of thoughtful remarks.

Yet, it is a liar.

A body with no soul,

It searches for others',

And steals them swiftly.

Once you've noticed,

you're too late.

Deceit has taken what he wants,

and left you with nothing.

Deceit undermines your relationships,

your friendships, and your life.

Where once was potential,

is now a briefcase full of regret.

Do you regret who you've betrayed?

Oh God, this apathy,

a result of deceit's long story,

ruins my heart.

Can I feel you once more?

Can you save me from these daggers,

the pains of guilt and regret?

May my punishment

be effective,

and may it cut straight to my heart.

A lifetime of earthly pain

pales when compared to an eternity of joy.

Sanctify me through my brokenness.

May I rejoice when the hurt cuts deep!

May I love the cleansing embers!

Oh God, fill this shell

with hope,

and with gratitude.

May it last.

May I feel it forever!

Help me to turn from this,

my struggle.

My deceit.

Life, broadly speaking.

I wrote this as a facebook message, replying to a few questions that a friend had posed to me. I hope you can learn something from it. :)

Also, if I said anything untrue, please let me know. I'd hate to spread lies.

Part 2: Life
To begin, I'll show you my response to a question posed on friend's blog:

The question:
"Something that came up recently in Alpha (http://alphausa.org/ or if you are in my area, http://www.drexelalpha.org/) was Christians making the claim that we are right, and everyone else is wrong. This is something that I myself have often thought about in the past, and I am curious to see what others thoughts are on this. Is it arrogance to make that claim? Is there a way to say it without being arrogant and prideful?"

My Answer:
To answer a question with a question:"What are Christians right about?"
As I understand it, Christians are still tainted by sin. That is to say, those people who believe in Christ, who accept Him as savior, who commit themselves to lives spent in adoration and service to God, still sin. Christians still commit sinful acts, think sinful thoughts, and love sinful pleasures.

What makes us so right? I'm assuming here that by "right," you mean, "good."

But, you really asked:
"What makes the message preached and lived by Christians, the 'right' thing?"

And:
"Is it arrogant to make that claim?" - (Verbatim)
I don't think that it's arrogant to tell the truth. Though, paired with this truth claim, empathy must follow suit. This truth didn't come to all Christians easy. For many, including the apostle Paul, it came with sacrifice. Sacrifice of lifestyle, sacrifice of friends, sacrifice of family, sacrifice of pride, etc. Yes, the world may be ignorant, but so were we.

I assume that Jesus Christ's message wouldn't translate easily with many people. I mean, that's why the world killed Christ, wasn't it?

I'll add that humility is just as important. When Christ's truth claim is made, the speaker must be honest about themself and about their personal testimony to this message.

Going back to my first point, we must be honest about what Christ's message does for us. It does not make us perfect. It does not prevent us from sinning. It does not make us rich, necessarily better off, or socially acceptable.

Christ, God, and the spirit gives us hope. Perfect hope. Hope that will not fail. Hope that will be sustained. Hope in life, friendship, and communion with our Father and Maker. (As was originally intended.)

How dare we be arrogant when proclaiming the truth! The truth doesn't makes us right! The truth proves that God is right!

The only good thing us Christians ever did was believe in the truth. We can, only humbly and understandingly, convey it to others."


"None is righteous, no, not one;
no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,not even one."
"Their throat is an open grave;they use their tongues to deceive."
"The venom of asps is under their lips."
"Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness."
"Their feet are swift to shed blood;
in their paths are ruin and misery,
and the way of peace they have not known."
"There is no fear of God before their eyes."
(Romans 3:10-19)

This is the entire world, Cara. Christians included.

I love the old testament because it tells of great failure on man's part, and abundant grace on God's part. The jews, who saw and met with God physically and visually, were just like us. They too, failed time and time again in their pursuit of God, turning to idols and other beliefs. Yet, rather than abandoning His people, God constantly brought the Jews back to Him.

Such is my life. Though I had been convinced of God's existance and grace, I have turned back to sin time and time again. Sometimes, I wonder if God didn't waste His effort on me..

"But wait! There must be some difference," you may ask.

There is, indeed.

It's hope. Hope that's real.

It's guilt. Guilt that I haven't felt in years for the bad thing that I do.

It's humility. My pride in myself, my own God, disappears as I seek unto the real God.

It's change. My thoughts, my desires, and my morals change as I study more into God.

I understand that I'll never be perfect. And while that may seem grievous to me, I bet that God feels a pain far worse. That is, to bear the sight of his prized creation hating Him, and doing all it can to rebel against Him.

"Then, why do I try?"
Remember me telling you about hope a few lines ago? While I sin, I know this great truth about Christ's sacrifice:
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."
(John 3:16)

"What is eternal life?"
Eternal life is an eternity spent with God, being filled with joy of His presence and glory. I've read that Revelations, especially the last three chapters, paint a picture of what Heaven will be like. I've never read Revelations myself, however.

Reading through Revelations, I hear, is tough. It's not an easy book to digest. I'm going to start going through it with Rebekah. If you can commit (hopefully, I can too) to a chapter a day, you're more than welcome to join. The three of us can discuss questions and such over email, if that works.

"Did God just let us into Heaven?"
"Did Jesus Christ have to die?"
No, God didn't just "let" us into Heaven. Remember when Adam and Eve sinned, and were kicked out of the Garden of Eden? Yeah, same goes for us, too. We choose sin, thereby denying ourselves access to Heaven. If we were perfect, then we wouldn't deserve Hell, God's punishment.

Now, this part always freaks me out. Don't worry, I'll explain. You see, God loves us, and wants us to be with him forever. Only thing is, we sin and disobey Him. He can't just let it slide and let us come to Heaven; He has to punish us. So, you can see the predicament.

So, remember how, in the old testament, people made sacrifices of animals and such? That was to atone for their sins. In order for the sacrifice to be accepted, the animal had to be as pure and blemishless as possible. Now, making a sacrifice did not mean that your sins were forgiven. These sacrifices were not completely pure, spotless, and perfect (such an animal does not exist). Rather, it was an act of obedience and submission to please and glorify God. God delights when we give our effort and best work to Him. So, before Christ, the Jews didn't go to Heaven, because their sins weren't forgiven. Instead, they went into slumber, to be resurrected at a later time.

"What to do, then?"
Only a perfect sacrifice could atone for sins. Insert Jesus Christ, the son of God, a perfect man who lived a perfect life. On the cross, Jesus Christ was killed and sacrificed. There, he took on the burden of the world's sins, and was sent to Hell. There, He was punished for three days before He rose from the dead. When He rose, He brought with Him those sleeping souls I had mentioned before. Because of this sacrifice, the sins of God's people were forgiven, completely. Although they had sinned, God now saw these people as perfect, and could let them join Him in Heaven.

That's why Christ needed to die.

So now, when we believe in Jesus Christ, and ask for forgiveness on account of Christ's sacrifice, we are forgiven, and God no longer sees us as sinners, but as perfect.

Although we yet still sin, our position with God does not change. This is referred to as "justification."

I give heed to you, that you seek to find these answers on your own, as well. If you'd like, I'd be willing to go through the book of John with you, along with Rebekah. Seriously, doubling up on reading is not an issue for either of us. :)

I don't know very much. This is but a smidget of who God really is. I also may not be right on many of my points. If you catch me in such a case, please let me know. I'd hate to say wrong things, you know?

Take care, Cara :)

Lost

Today, I got a nasty note on my car

A note that showed me who people really are

I had parked a little off-center

And someone else lost their temper

You left a note, I don't know who you are

that said "Learn to park your f***ing car!!!"

You get sad, you get angry, and you let it show

To someone you don't even know

Why all this sadness? Why all this fear?

Why all this anger showing right here?

You must be lost, don't know what to do

What you don't see is, someone is there for you

Someone watches over you, and is Lord over all

He sees your every step, and he sees you when you fall

He died for those who trust in him and acknowledge Him as Father

If He didn't care for us, He wouldn't even bother

To save those who love Him and follow in His ways

For those who trust, rely on Him, and also give Him praise

If you're feeling aimless and find no point in life

Look to the One who made you, and lay down all your strife

Lay down your burdens and give them to Him, and you will have joy

For finally you'll see that its more than girls and boys

Travelling aimlessly 'round the world, looking for something to follow

If they don't find anything, they find trials tough to swallow

And be irritated like you are, when things don't go your way

Just lay it all down, and give it to Him, that's all I have to say

A response for a friend.

So, I wrote this note as part of an message chain on Facebook. I feel that it's relevant.

"I promise that i'm not neglecting you. Well, not intentionally, at least. Facebook and writing have not been high on my priority list. The working life does that to ya, I 'spose.

I thought/have been thinking a lot about the issue of Church, and have been attempting to make a case for switching to a new one. Didn't fly so high with Rebekah, that is. You see, we both attend a church located in our hometown. She's been going to this church for her whole life. Persuading her to switch would be a very hard task. Task away I did, however, and got nowhere. I became frustrated, questioning why we should stay there. (You see, my church is comprised of elderly folks, mostly.) Clearly, I can't directly be served by an elderly congregation. They aren't my age, and that age gap represents an incredible divide in thought, action, culture, and beliefs. Why should I stay?

To say that i came to some grand realization, some great point in thought, would be a lie. I've been sitting on the idea. Writing this note now, I've developed a few thoughts.

My blessings:
1. I go to a church where Jesus Christ is taught as Saviour, and Lord.
2. I go to a church that upholds the bible as the authoritative word of God.
3. I go to a church that is commited to prayer, service, outreach, evangelism, and community.
4. I go to a church with my girlfriend, Rebekah.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not condemning your desire to change churches. Not at all! Instead, I want to ask: "what is the church?" A list, or an explanation, or anything whatsoever, is just fine. :)

Regarding your answer to the third question, do you display those qualities you listed? That is, as I understand them,
Care/concern
Devotion
Appreciation
Spontaneity
Dedication

I don't. In fact, I very rarely do. I know some people who have it all together, or appear as if they do. Internally, I am not such a saint. My heart strays, Cara. It yearns for different things, different thoughts, different events, etc. Yet, I don't compromise myself to believe in God.

Belief is my life.

Well, that's not true, actually. Faith is my life. My faithfulness? Oh no. God's faithfulness. On my own, I would have never sought to compromise any part of my own desires, thoughts, or actions. I just can't. They're inherent to me. But, I know and trust that i am in my Father's hands. That he takes care of me, and steers me in the right direction; whether that be through pain or through blessing.

I asked you about what faith looks like. I asked you about how you would go about finding God. I asked you about what your faith looks like.

I'll ask you one more question: "Who is God?"

You're probably like, "Oh ho ho ho! That's a mighty tough question, Josh-O."

I reason that, if you hadn't an idea, or an appreciation of God, you wouldn't have asked me to help at all. You've given me a reason as to why you'd desire to have this relationship, but what makes your soul yearn for Him? "Just who is God, and why is He so important?"

Again, take your time here. I can wait, hehe."

A friend asked me, about three months ago, to help her with her relationship with God. I feel that she alreadys knows/needs to discover these things for herself. Let her and God deepen their relationship together, you know?

With her.

Beautiful.
The thought.
Vision.
Whatever you call it.

A look.
Just a glance.
Well, I stared.
I couldn't look elsewhere.

Memory.
It stayed with me.
This sight.
This infatuation.

Pursuit.
Dare I?
Too hard?
Or, too new?

Commitment.
A follow-up.
Reassurance.
For both.

Effort.
It's hard.
Why bother?
It's rewarding.

Love.
The reward?
No.
Came along for the ride.

Treasure.
A friendship.
A partnership.
For ever.

Amen.

Commitment.

I do what I like.

So sue me! I got needs. I got desires. I got wishes and dreams, too. I shouldn't need to change...

I work for what I have. I work for what I deserve. Why can't I have that much?

I want to be treated with respect. I work so hard for you. Why can't I have a little sympathy?



^That stuff up there? I say it all of the time. Well, I "think" it, at least. No, this isn't just with Rebekah. This is for every single friend and family member. Inside my head, I have quite the mouth. I'll deride (internally) every step, every emotion, everything said if it doesn't meet with my desires.

I'm quite the wicked person, I'll admit.

I desire respect, service, and love. But, they don't fit your definitions. I ascribe my own meanings. I want respect for everything that I do. I want you to serve me without question. I want to be loved unconditionally. Do you not fit this list? Odds are, I've met your "shortcomings" with cursing and hate.

Question: Why am I, all of a sudden, pouring my confessions of wickedness out? Even more so, why in this blog?

Check the title, make sure it reads "Commitment." It's amazing that I can pretend so well to resemble this quality, when you all have no idea of how I really treat you. Sure, I can serve well; I can even pretend to "like" it. Truth is, I couldn't despise it more. I can really put up nice front of caring and compassion. I really could care less about others' issues and hurt.

Can't you see? It's all a ploy to make you "like" and "value" me as a friend!

In reality, I have no idea of how to make and maintain a friendship. I have no idea of what commitment to something, or someone really is. I see how others act, and I try my hardest to replicate just what they do.

Again, just why is this in your accountability blog?

I wish I could be more committed to upholding God's commandments of pure and gracious living and speech, Rebekah. I want to be more committed to growing in love and faith with you, Rebekah. I would like to be more committed to developing our bond of friendship, as it turns into love. I desire to be more committed to your education, and helping you to continue to perform wonderfully at college. I hope to be more committed to your parents' suggestions and guidance for our relationship.

I pray that I can be more committed to you and my friends. I pray that I could be less committed to myself.

God is Gracious

Today, I came to the wild realization that we do not control our lives. Sure, of course we can make choices for ourselves, but in the general scheme of things, do we really control our lives? We can't control sickness, disaster, and death. We cannot control the uncontrollable.

I came to this realization when I got a call from Josh saying that he had nearly gotten into a serious car accident. Immediately after the phone call, I thanked God for saving him, and then realized that He didn't really have to do that. At first, I think I was expecting Him to save us whenever we get into serious trouble like that. Then I realized, God didn't have to save Josh from death, or even from going to the hospital. God didn't have to keep his car from crashing the other. But He did.

What makes me think that it should be automatic that God should save us from death like that? We don't deserve for Him to protect us like that, and who is to say that He will do that every time?

He has not saved every believer from death. My Pop-pop died of cancer about 6 years ago, after being run to the emergency room one night, never to return from the hospital. He trusted God. God didn't save his life. Our youth pastor, Mr. Nic died of cancer November 2008, two weeks after we got the news of his cancer. Who is to say that God won't take my life from me tonight?Who is to say that God won't take Josh's life from him tomorrow?

It might sound like I'm complaining about God, saying that He is bad for not saving these people. In reality, however, He has saved them from Death. From eternal Death. When someone dies, if they trust in Jesus Christ as the propitiation for all of their sins, then Death is conquered for them. Pop-pop's and Mr. Nic's deaths weren't failures, but rather success stories of those who have gone before us into the Kingdom of God.

We should be ready for death, or Christ's second coming, at any moment, by trusting that Christ will take us into His Kingdom. Ready with wonderful anticipation. A woman I knew a few years back, Carol Cavil also died of cancer. On her deathbed, she couldn't wait to see Jesus! She said it was like waiting for Christmas, only so so so much better! She just wanted to be there! She trusted God and she was ready!

We need to have that kind of readiness. Not to be morbid about it, and not to wish that life would end prematurely (wanting to not deal with the hardships anymore), but to be excited to be with Jesus Christ, when the time comes, and to serve Him with our lives until that day comes.

Thank You, Jesus, for being my escape from eternal Death, and for being the assurance that I need not be afraid of physical death. Thank You for the gift of love you gave to me. :)

Long time running...

It's hard to maintain:

• Friendships
• Work Ethic
• Morals
• Relationships
• An Image
• Life

It's no wonder that all of these things give us a lot of trouble. This list of items (generalized) are at the forfront of our our very lives. We see friends almost daily. We constantly need to maintain a good work ethic. Morality is being questioned around every turn, as sin is ever present. Relationships must be constantly maintained, or apathy will destroy the bond between two individuals. Our image is who we present ourselves to be, and that form of witness is an incredible tool for evangelism. Lastly, we constantly live our lives, or else we'd be dead; the first five items in this list comprise a lot of what we call, "living."

Let me ask, how much do you worry about these things? I worry about them a great deal, and I often frustrate myself with the amount of importance that I put on each. I think my frustration could more accurately be called, "stress." It's that anxiousness that persists after every decision, and every mistake. Stress even develops after a seemingly good effort. Apparently, every last decision counts towards some idealistic future that we people have. Our hope is founded in pure fiction; things that we don't even know. As if life followed a set of predetermined paths and consequences.

I'd go as far as to say there still exists an even more accurate title for this condition- that is, fear. Fear over what others may think of me. Fear over how people see me in my dress and appearance. Fear over my sin, and how bad I am, and how there couldn't be any forgiveness for someone like I. Fear with whether I'm doing an effective job of leading Rebekah. Fear of my sin, and God's punishment. Fear of the decisions that I make (past), and how they impact my life (present and future). Fear of how others will treat me. Fear of a lack of respect. Fear of a bad performance. Et cetera..

Perhaps, fear could be given a better name: dishonesty. I stretch the truth unconsciously, it seems. Though, that's not to say that I'm not responsible. I willingly commit my sins. I consciously choose to disobey God's commandements, which the holy spirit has laid on my heart and imprinted onto my soul. There exists a conscience in this body.

Perhaps dishonesty has a more accurate name: pride. I know just what I do. In my heart and mind, I fully consent to wrongdoing. So much so, even, that I eventually become apathetic. At first, I refused to obey God. Eventually, I no longer care.

God, please remind me of how little I am, so as to remember just how big, and how great, and how magnificent you are!

Building Bridges

I wrote this over a year ago, the day that Josh was feeling very unsure about starting up a relationship with me. It was a hard day, a day of fear and worry. But that night, I wrote in my prayer journal, and I wrote this song. Originally, this was to be a song about me and him, but as I wrote, it turned into a song quite different, a song about me and God.

________________________________________

Building Bridges:

(a song about relying on God to build your life)

I am given a brick and am unsure what to do with it

Are there more bricks to come? What am I to build?

I'm gonna trust you Lord, and start a bridge.

Building bridges can change my life

Building bridges can turn out right

Only if I trust in You, or it'll come a'crashin' down

I put this bridge into Your hands

Jesus, build me a bridge

Some of these bricks won't be so strong and will have to be replaced

There'll be times I'll need to cry and feel like giving in

It'll be hard, but I'll have to try and try again

Building bridges can change my life

Building bridges can turn out right

Only if I trust in You, or it'll come a'crashin' down

I put this bridge into Your hands

Jesus, build me a bridge

There'll be hard times

It'll be a struggle

It'll take a long time

But I put it into your hands

Building bridges can change my life

Building bridges can turn out right

Only if I trust in You, or it'll come a'crashin' down

I put this bridge into Your hands

Jesus, build me a bridge

One day, I will finally finish that bridge

After all that hard work, the job will be done

When I finally cross that bridge, I will start a new and perfect life with You

Building bridges can change my life

Building bridges can turn out right

Only if I trust in You, or it'll come a'crashin' down

I put this bridge into Your hands

Jesus, build me a bridge

Jesus, build me a bridge

Jesus, Thank You for building me my bridge

_________________________________________

After writing it, I had so much peace inside, because I realized I just needed to trust God to help me. I needed to trust that he was all-powerful. I realized that He loved me, and anything troubles on this earth are meant for His good purpose. Now that is comforting. :)

A Love Note.

Call it a love letter,
Call it what you will.
I caution, what proceeds
Is not pretty; it doesn’t fill
A desire or a dream,
More like a lust, or scheme.
My love has never been under such attack
If I could, I would turn back.
My love, my darling, how could it be?
That my care, my concern, I could no longer see.
My sin will be the death of me,
My father judges equally.

How could one sin,
One taste of lust,
Make me stray away,
And destroy our trust?
It’s easy, when you think,
(These words, let them sink),
My heart desires not the best,
But only what my God detest.
To deny all that I’ve ever loved,
To throw away my one beloved.
My sin will be the death of me,
My father judges equally.

How could my life,
Just turn around?
My God, please answer,
If only a sound…
Please help, please cure,
Please make me something pure.
May I not grow ugly in your sight,
A life of faith, that is my plight!
Please help, I do not understand.
Oh Lord, you are so grand.
To listen to this worthless boy,
To grant him peace, and give him joy.
My sin will be the death of me,
My father judges equally.

No longer will it be my cry,
As I now surely know,
My God has done such great things
From above, to here below.
He’s chased away my evil lusts.
He’s taken me, reduced to dust,
Plagued to a life of reckless sin,
He no longer cares just where I’ve been.
My life starts fresh, I am brand new!
I’m part of a family, a precious few.
My sin won’t be the death of me,
My father pardons, quite justly.

My friend, he's lost.

My friend,
my time,
my care,
my concern,
I can't see.

He still lives.
He still breathes.
He still thinks,
but not of me.
How could he?

How could this one path divulge?
Where did we stray away?
Where were our signs?
Relationship turns to friendship.
Friendship turns to apathy.

Apathy turns to destruction.
We were at the bottom,
unwilling to climb up.
Care must be reciprocated.
Who forgot?

I hold fast.
I stay strong.
Perhaps, my friend,
We'll know each other again.
Letting go is hard.

God,
my prayer,
is that,
I should never turn apathetic.
But you forgive.

Each day is a new one.
I am a new person.
Never the same,
but for the better.
Always cared for.

Always loved.

The Image of Perfection

Tonight was the first time in a while that I had the opportunity to teach the middle school Bible study. Since Mr. Richard is back in school, I'm back to doing the lesson on Wednesday nights. Mr. Richard prepares questions and Scripture for us to talk about each week. This week, we talked about Matthew 5:1-12~

1"When Jesus saw the crowds, He went up on the mountain; and after He sat down, His disciples came to Him. 2 He opened His mouth and began to teach them, saying,

3 'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

5 Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth.

6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

7 Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.

8 Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

10 Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.' "

Now, this passage has a whole bunch of things in it. It's a list of characteristics that a person should strive to have. When reading this before, it had only occurred to me as that, as simply just a list of good personality traits. What I realized upon reading it and talking about it tonight was that it is the essence of Christ.

Think about it a moment, Christ mourned, Christ was gentle and meek, Christ hungered for and obtained righteousness. Christ was mercy. He had a pure heart, encouraged peace amongst his followers. And Christ was persecuted. The last two verses are really what stood out like never before. Christ was not only insulted, persecuted, and falsely accused, but He was killed, because He was righteous and truthfully claimed to be God. Yet, He rejoiced and was glad, because he saved us so that we could share His great reward in heaven.

We can all strive to be like Christ by looking at this list as a guideline. This list is the image of perfection because Christ is perfect. We will not be able to obtain all of these qualities until we reach heaven, of course, but they are something to strive for. Follow the Image of Perfection.

Follow Christ. :)

Pursue God :)

You know, its easy to stray from God.

It's easy to make excuses, to say that I'm to busy for Him. I could have said, I'm too busy or too tired to write this blog tonight. After all, I do have to wake up at 6 tomorrow morning.

Life is busy. Deal with it.

If I kept on making excuses like this, when would I ever set aside time for God? Time to just talk with Him and spend time with him? I don't think I would.

I'll give you the example of practicing voice. Last semester, I would always put practicing voice up to the last minute, saying, other things, other assignments are more important now so I need to finish them first. Even these past two days have been like this because of the research paper I had to write. If life is this busy, when will I ever run out of things to do?

I think what I need to do is put God higher on my priority list, and not just say, oh, well I'll talk to Him at the end of the day, when I'm not busy anymore. That's the last think I should do. I should be talking to Him in the midst of the business, and relying on Him when things get tough.

And it helps to set aside some time for just me and Him. Driving my car to and from school has become a joy for me! While I'm listening to the praise music on the radio, I'm talking to God and spilling my thoughts and concerns out to Him. And you know what? That always makes my day so much better!

I can even learn to set aside more time for God. Its worth it, because it changes my whole outlook on my day, and really my whole outlook on life.

Pursue God, and He will give you peace. :)

Father's grace.

"Today, if you hear his voice,do not harden your hearts."

That's part of verse 7, Hebrews ch. 4. I'm so grateful for God's mercy, as he destroyed my world nearly four years ago. That's sounds a little odd, doesn't it? It was the only way for Him to reach me. In order to start a new work, the old person had to disappear. Everything I loved, everything I wanted, everything I desired; everything came crashing down. What I loved, wanted, and desired all changed as God began His glorious work. That is to say, God's grace is marvelous, a changed soul is marvelous; I am not marvelous. For so many years, I hardened my heart and I was numb to the God's message. I was unwilling to compromise my lifestyle with His commandments.

Later on, I would come to realize that faith isn't merely a lifestyle change, it's a change in worship. Whereas I once worshiped my self, I began to worship God. God saved this time for me, He saw it right and fit to wait until college to turn my world around. Thankfully, it didn't start there. All along, as far as I can tell, God had been giving me little hints as to His character and His will. I'm thankful for the family I was raised in; they encouraged me to attend church throughout my youth. I'm thankful for the pastors at my church who took time to teach me the Gospel. I'm thankful for the Christian friends that I had. They were unashamed of the Gospel, and didn't hesitate to witness to me.

I needed to be turned around; as a freshman I began to experiment and flirt with immorality. I was compromising all of the teaching that i had ever received! The incredible sense of guilt that followed was no surprise. That is, I broke down on the night of my conversion. My life was a wreck, and I pleaded to God for help. The realization had come, I couldn't live like this. I praise God for turning around my hardened heart that night, and continually into the present (and likely the future). His grace is so great, that He would bother with a terrible sinner like myself.

Smile.

Do you care?
Do you listen?
Is his voice too faint?
Have you heard him at all?
This ends.
It must.
The curse must stop.
Some will be loved.
Others hated.
But most,
Most will be neglected.
That dreaded middle state.
These soldiers are never called.
Their time never comes.

At times,
it's hard to smile.
To smile for the ones who never love.
The ones who think that they do.
People like me.
Love is given.
It isn't asked for.
It isn't demanded.
I wish I could live,
live out all of these nice sayings.
Selfishness is my name.

Odd, I'm smiling.

Our Anniversary.

A thing as simple as a "thank you."
As small as a "hello!"
As large as an anniversary.
All largely forgotten, unnoticed.
Love is a hard thing,
but it can be so simple.
Excuse after excuse comes;
Love is desired, but not given.
Care and affection
Do not pair with submission.
Love is not asked for,
Love is selfless.
Love is not demanded,
Compassion should not be a stipulation.

Do I love?
Do I care?
Do I reciprocate?
Do I give?
Would I make such accusations,
On love, desire, and compassion,
Without first consulting myself?

Knowing;
Doing.
(Two separate things.)
They are so good!
(Together.)
Selflessness;
Compassion;
Generosity;
Humility;
Devotion;
Hope;
Trust;
They are so excellent!
But,
Better together.
(Love.)

Rebekah, I can't explain why I act the way that I do. I wish that I could never hurt, could never selfishly desire, could never boast; but, I can't. I wish for a lot of "things," but how often will I work for "things?" Better yet, I am am given such "things," how often will I appreciate such "things?" A frequent tragedy, such is the case with each blessing I receive. I may appreciate something for a little while, but I distract myself way, only to forget what it was. Rebekah, you are such a blessing. You really are. As a cure for loneliest, a helper for the worst, and a keeper of the greatest of beasts, you do a very good job. But, your efforts will often go unnoticed. Yet, you still give; you devote yourself to this cause. I'd say that you must have to love me, or else this all would seem crazy! You care for me in a special, and unique way, reminiscent (a taste) of our Father's.

I hereby challenge myself to love you the same!

I give heed to this need, not of greed, but to lead.
And I plead, that by deed, I'd succeed to feed,
Her heart, her soul, her body, her mind,
through art, not drole, not shoddy, through rhyme.
This is catchy, it's quick
But the point, is still thick.
To love the girl, and not himself,
This man desires, a struggle itself.
I don't love to hurt,
else my my face in the dirt.
Buried so deep,
no one would weep.
So I'm keepin', not creepin', tryin' to "leap in".
Into my promise, my love: what's sent, from above.
This blessing, this gift, since the time (it's swift).

I love you Rebekah :).

The Excellence of Love

So, I realize that neither of us have been very good about writing in the blog recently. To recenter the aspect that this blog is to help the two of us in growing and sharing our thoughts and our devotions, and to recenter it on God, I just want to put up one simple, yet deep and profound passage of Scripture:

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

--1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, 13

This is the guideline for a relationship that glorifies the Lord, and I pray that we can do what we can to try and follow this guideline. I love you, Joshua. And I want to learn to love you more and more in the 1 Corinthians 13 way. :)

Question #2: How can she challenge me to keep God first and foremost?

OOOOOO, now I get to make suggestions for her, and not for myself.

Well, to be honest, I don't wish to condemn her (or anything like that) for things not happening. On the contrary, I believe I've been blessed to have such an encouraging and spiritually-minded partner. But, that's not to say that she is without fault. By no means! Rebekah, I would ask you to:

1. Continue to encourage me with prayer and scripture.
2. Live out your faith before me.
3. Witness to others, but certainly witness to me with the truth of the Gospel.
4. Encourage me to be attending church (and assist me in learning).
5. Elevate God before me.
6. Pray for me.

A short list, but a plethora of possibilities! I need your help, I really do. I need your encouragement and love, as well. I'm an especially sinful man, and I lose track of my way so easily without guidance.

Thanks. :)

Question for Discussion #2

So, today's question is a tough one: "How can your partner challenge you in your relationship with God to keep it first and foremost?"

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how to answer this question.

I can say, I desire to put Josh on a pedestal higher than where he belongs. Of course, I've already talked about that. But how can he help me to change that? We know that the situation we're in now is wrong, and we know we need to change it, but how can we help each other to change it and make God our first priority?

This requires action, not just sitting around and waiting for things to change. But what he has to do for me and what I have to do for him is to call each other out whenever we notice the other person putting themselves, the other person, or other things higher than God. It might be more apparent to him what I idolize, as it might be more apparent to me what he idolizes. The important thing is for us to bring it up to each other when we notice it. And to encourage one another in the ways of the Lord...

Wait, what does that exactly mean?

Well, I guess it means, to tell the other person when they're doing or saying something wrong, and motivate them to keep their mind on purer things, on Godly things. Our job is to (lovingly) help one another notice what we need to grow in, but also encourage each other in our strengths.

Part of it is being a good example to one another, to show the light of Christ to each other in the way that we behave. So that we can be motivated to live to give Him the glory. Another way we can be helping each other is to point us to rely on God for joy and happiness. Not on each other. This may sound strange, but it sometimes helps when Josh messes up, because I realize I can't rely on him to make me happy. Only God can be the one we can fully trust and put all our hope in.

To wrap things up, I'll try to summarize here: How can we challenge each other to put God first and foremost? By taking action and make an effort to encourage one another to put our minds on God and to live for Him. By being honest and pointing out when the other one is doing something wrong and reminding them of who they should try to please. Finally, we need to humble ourselves before God and realize that we are not the center of the world and we should put our selfish thoughts away. We just need to remind each other every day to live in a way to please God and shine His light, and to love Him for the wonderful God that He is.