Commitment.

I do what I like.

So sue me! I got needs. I got desires. I got wishes and dreams, too. I shouldn't need to change...

I work for what I have. I work for what I deserve. Why can't I have that much?

I want to be treated with respect. I work so hard for you. Why can't I have a little sympathy?



^That stuff up there? I say it all of the time. Well, I "think" it, at least. No, this isn't just with Rebekah. This is for every single friend and family member. Inside my head, I have quite the mouth. I'll deride (internally) every step, every emotion, everything said if it doesn't meet with my desires.

I'm quite the wicked person, I'll admit.

I desire respect, service, and love. But, they don't fit your definitions. I ascribe my own meanings. I want respect for everything that I do. I want you to serve me without question. I want to be loved unconditionally. Do you not fit this list? Odds are, I've met your "shortcomings" with cursing and hate.

Question: Why am I, all of a sudden, pouring my confessions of wickedness out? Even more so, why in this blog?

Check the title, make sure it reads "Commitment." It's amazing that I can pretend so well to resemble this quality, when you all have no idea of how I really treat you. Sure, I can serve well; I can even pretend to "like" it. Truth is, I couldn't despise it more. I can really put up nice front of caring and compassion. I really could care less about others' issues and hurt.

Can't you see? It's all a ploy to make you "like" and "value" me as a friend!

In reality, I have no idea of how to make and maintain a friendship. I have no idea of what commitment to something, or someone really is. I see how others act, and I try my hardest to replicate just what they do.

Again, just why is this in your accountability blog?

I wish I could be more committed to upholding God's commandments of pure and gracious living and speech, Rebekah. I want to be more committed to growing in love and faith with you, Rebekah. I would like to be more committed to developing our bond of friendship, as it turns into love. I desire to be more committed to your education, and helping you to continue to perform wonderfully at college. I hope to be more committed to your parents' suggestions and guidance for our relationship.

I pray that I can be more committed to you and my friends. I pray that I could be less committed to myself.

God is Gracious

Today, I came to the wild realization that we do not control our lives. Sure, of course we can make choices for ourselves, but in the general scheme of things, do we really control our lives? We can't control sickness, disaster, and death. We cannot control the uncontrollable.

I came to this realization when I got a call from Josh saying that he had nearly gotten into a serious car accident. Immediately after the phone call, I thanked God for saving him, and then realized that He didn't really have to do that. At first, I think I was expecting Him to save us whenever we get into serious trouble like that. Then I realized, God didn't have to save Josh from death, or even from going to the hospital. God didn't have to keep his car from crashing the other. But He did.

What makes me think that it should be automatic that God should save us from death like that? We don't deserve for Him to protect us like that, and who is to say that He will do that every time?

He has not saved every believer from death. My Pop-pop died of cancer about 6 years ago, after being run to the emergency room one night, never to return from the hospital. He trusted God. God didn't save his life. Our youth pastor, Mr. Nic died of cancer November 2008, two weeks after we got the news of his cancer. Who is to say that God won't take my life from me tonight?Who is to say that God won't take Josh's life from him tomorrow?

It might sound like I'm complaining about God, saying that He is bad for not saving these people. In reality, however, He has saved them from Death. From eternal Death. When someone dies, if they trust in Jesus Christ as the propitiation for all of their sins, then Death is conquered for them. Pop-pop's and Mr. Nic's deaths weren't failures, but rather success stories of those who have gone before us into the Kingdom of God.

We should be ready for death, or Christ's second coming, at any moment, by trusting that Christ will take us into His Kingdom. Ready with wonderful anticipation. A woman I knew a few years back, Carol Cavil also died of cancer. On her deathbed, she couldn't wait to see Jesus! She said it was like waiting for Christmas, only so so so much better! She just wanted to be there! She trusted God and she was ready!

We need to have that kind of readiness. Not to be morbid about it, and not to wish that life would end prematurely (wanting to not deal with the hardships anymore), but to be excited to be with Jesus Christ, when the time comes, and to serve Him with our lives until that day comes.

Thank You, Jesus, for being my escape from eternal Death, and for being the assurance that I need not be afraid of physical death. Thank You for the gift of love you gave to me. :)

Long time running...

It's hard to maintain:

• Friendships
• Work Ethic
• Morals
• Relationships
• An Image
• Life

It's no wonder that all of these things give us a lot of trouble. This list of items (generalized) are at the forfront of our our very lives. We see friends almost daily. We constantly need to maintain a good work ethic. Morality is being questioned around every turn, as sin is ever present. Relationships must be constantly maintained, or apathy will destroy the bond between two individuals. Our image is who we present ourselves to be, and that form of witness is an incredible tool for evangelism. Lastly, we constantly live our lives, or else we'd be dead; the first five items in this list comprise a lot of what we call, "living."

Let me ask, how much do you worry about these things? I worry about them a great deal, and I often frustrate myself with the amount of importance that I put on each. I think my frustration could more accurately be called, "stress." It's that anxiousness that persists after every decision, and every mistake. Stress even develops after a seemingly good effort. Apparently, every last decision counts towards some idealistic future that we people have. Our hope is founded in pure fiction; things that we don't even know. As if life followed a set of predetermined paths and consequences.

I'd go as far as to say there still exists an even more accurate title for this condition- that is, fear. Fear over what others may think of me. Fear over how people see me in my dress and appearance. Fear over my sin, and how bad I am, and how there couldn't be any forgiveness for someone like I. Fear with whether I'm doing an effective job of leading Rebekah. Fear of my sin, and God's punishment. Fear of the decisions that I make (past), and how they impact my life (present and future). Fear of how others will treat me. Fear of a lack of respect. Fear of a bad performance. Et cetera..

Perhaps, fear could be given a better name: dishonesty. I stretch the truth unconsciously, it seems. Though, that's not to say that I'm not responsible. I willingly commit my sins. I consciously choose to disobey God's commandements, which the holy spirit has laid on my heart and imprinted onto my soul. There exists a conscience in this body.

Perhaps dishonesty has a more accurate name: pride. I know just what I do. In my heart and mind, I fully consent to wrongdoing. So much so, even, that I eventually become apathetic. At first, I refused to obey God. Eventually, I no longer care.

God, please remind me of how little I am, so as to remember just how big, and how great, and how magnificent you are!