Smile.

Do you care?
Do you listen?
Is his voice too faint?
Have you heard him at all?
This ends.
It must.
The curse must stop.
Some will be loved.
Others hated.
But most,
Most will be neglected.
That dreaded middle state.
These soldiers are never called.
Their time never comes.

At times,
it's hard to smile.
To smile for the ones who never love.
The ones who think that they do.
People like me.
Love is given.
It isn't asked for.
It isn't demanded.
I wish I could live,
live out all of these nice sayings.
Selfishness is my name.

Odd, I'm smiling.

Our Anniversary.

A thing as simple as a "thank you."
As small as a "hello!"
As large as an anniversary.
All largely forgotten, unnoticed.
Love is a hard thing,
but it can be so simple.
Excuse after excuse comes;
Love is desired, but not given.
Care and affection
Do not pair with submission.
Love is not asked for,
Love is selfless.
Love is not demanded,
Compassion should not be a stipulation.

Do I love?
Do I care?
Do I reciprocate?
Do I give?
Would I make such accusations,
On love, desire, and compassion,
Without first consulting myself?

Knowing;
Doing.
(Two separate things.)
They are so good!
(Together.)
Selflessness;
Compassion;
Generosity;
Humility;
Devotion;
Hope;
Trust;
They are so excellent!
But,
Better together.
(Love.)

Rebekah, I can't explain why I act the way that I do. I wish that I could never hurt, could never selfishly desire, could never boast; but, I can't. I wish for a lot of "things," but how often will I work for "things?" Better yet, I am am given such "things," how often will I appreciate such "things?" A frequent tragedy, such is the case with each blessing I receive. I may appreciate something for a little while, but I distract myself way, only to forget what it was. Rebekah, you are such a blessing. You really are. As a cure for loneliest, a helper for the worst, and a keeper of the greatest of beasts, you do a very good job. But, your efforts will often go unnoticed. Yet, you still give; you devote yourself to this cause. I'd say that you must have to love me, or else this all would seem crazy! You care for me in a special, and unique way, reminiscent (a taste) of our Father's.

I hereby challenge myself to love you the same!

I give heed to this need, not of greed, but to lead.
And I plead, that by deed, I'd succeed to feed,
Her heart, her soul, her body, her mind,
through art, not drole, not shoddy, through rhyme.
This is catchy, it's quick
But the point, is still thick.
To love the girl, and not himself,
This man desires, a struggle itself.
I don't love to hurt,
else my my face in the dirt.
Buried so deep,
no one would weep.
So I'm keepin', not creepin', tryin' to "leap in".
Into my promise, my love: what's sent, from above.
This blessing, this gift, since the time (it's swift).

I love you Rebekah :).

The Excellence of Love

So, I realize that neither of us have been very good about writing in the blog recently. To recenter the aspect that this blog is to help the two of us in growing and sharing our thoughts and our devotions, and to recenter it on God, I just want to put up one simple, yet deep and profound passage of Scripture:

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love."

--1 Corinthians 13:4-8a, 13

This is the guideline for a relationship that glorifies the Lord, and I pray that we can do what we can to try and follow this guideline. I love you, Joshua. And I want to learn to love you more and more in the 1 Corinthians 13 way. :)

Question #2: How can she challenge me to keep God first and foremost?

OOOOOO, now I get to make suggestions for her, and not for myself.

Well, to be honest, I don't wish to condemn her (or anything like that) for things not happening. On the contrary, I believe I've been blessed to have such an encouraging and spiritually-minded partner. But, that's not to say that she is without fault. By no means! Rebekah, I would ask you to:

1. Continue to encourage me with prayer and scripture.
2. Live out your faith before me.
3. Witness to others, but certainly witness to me with the truth of the Gospel.
4. Encourage me to be attending church (and assist me in learning).
5. Elevate God before me.
6. Pray for me.

A short list, but a plethora of possibilities! I need your help, I really do. I need your encouragement and love, as well. I'm an especially sinful man, and I lose track of my way so easily without guidance.

Thanks. :)

Question for Discussion #2

So, today's question is a tough one: "How can your partner challenge you in your relationship with God to keep it first and foremost?"

Honestly, I'm not exactly sure how to answer this question.

I can say, I desire to put Josh on a pedestal higher than where he belongs. Of course, I've already talked about that. But how can he help me to change that? We know that the situation we're in now is wrong, and we know we need to change it, but how can we help each other to change it and make God our first priority?

This requires action, not just sitting around and waiting for things to change. But what he has to do for me and what I have to do for him is to call each other out whenever we notice the other person putting themselves, the other person, or other things higher than God. It might be more apparent to him what I idolize, as it might be more apparent to me what he idolizes. The important thing is for us to bring it up to each other when we notice it. And to encourage one another in the ways of the Lord...

Wait, what does that exactly mean?

Well, I guess it means, to tell the other person when they're doing or saying something wrong, and motivate them to keep their mind on purer things, on Godly things. Our job is to (lovingly) help one another notice what we need to grow in, but also encourage each other in our strengths.

Part of it is being a good example to one another, to show the light of Christ to each other in the way that we behave. So that we can be motivated to live to give Him the glory. Another way we can be helping each other is to point us to rely on God for joy and happiness. Not on each other. This may sound strange, but it sometimes helps when Josh messes up, because I realize I can't rely on him to make me happy. Only God can be the one we can fully trust and put all our hope in.

To wrap things up, I'll try to summarize here: How can we challenge each other to put God first and foremost? By taking action and make an effort to encourage one another to put our minds on God and to live for Him. By being honest and pointing out when the other one is doing something wrong and reminding them of who they should try to please. Finally, we need to humble ourselves before God and realize that we are not the center of the world and we should put our selfish thoughts away. We just need to remind each other every day to live in a way to please God and shine His light, and to love Him for the wonderful God that He is.

Question for Discussion #1

So, we've been reading this book, "Devotions for Dating Couples" and it has discussion questions after every 5 or 6 chapters. Tonight I will answer the first question, honestly as I can.

It asked, "Are you ever tempted to elevate your partner or your love relationship over God Himself?

As much as I would like for my answer to be "No, I love God more than anything," I have to confess that would be a lie. When it says the word elevate, it means putting that person above God, of higher importance that Him. I put Josh above God in the sense that I think about him more than I think about God, and my wants and desires are focused more on him, and I leave God sitting on a back burner. Instead of reading the Bible or praying, I send a text message, because that is my initial thought, my initial desire, to talk to Josh.

I rely on him more than I do on God. When I'm upset, I talk to him about it. When I've done something wrong, I confess to him about it. While its not a bad thing for me to be open and honest with him, I cannot rely on him to be the first one that I come to. God is the only one who can give me true peace, He is the only one that can forgive me. Also, what happens when I rely and put all my hope and trust in Josh, I will be let down. Because, of course, he's not perfect.

What we need to do as a couple is to put God first, before our own wants, and before each other. We will grow because of this.

On the side of a praise, I will say that God has already helped me grow in this area over the past few months. I'm nowhere near perfect. But a few months ago, I was really putting Josh first, in such a way that it became stressful and unhealthy. I have seen growth since then, since I realized how wrong it was to put him first.

God has helped me to change in that way and to rely on Him more. And He will continue to persuade my heart to love Him better and put Him first. :)

Question #1: Do I idolize her?

"Are you ever tempted to elevate your partner or your love relationship over God Himself?"

^That's the big question for today.^

Answer: All the time. It could be doubt, or fear, or lust or a variety of things that cause my heart and mind to shift focus away from God and towards her. The sad thing is, this happens all the time.

Like right now. Right now, I'm scared she doesn't enjoy me, and doesn't want me. What a lie! If anything, she should fear this! I hardly give her time during the day, and since she's not devoting herself completely to me right now, I should doubt? I do the things that I hate others doing to me. Essentially, I'm living out all of my fears. So I should stop worrying?

Stop. ^Right there^

Where was God in that explanation? That whole thought, that whole line rationalizing and explaining my fears just distracted me away from the truth. She is a blessing given to me me by God, not a subject to muse and think over constantly. My explanation was "I do the same things, and shouldn't worry." That's certainly true, but that explanation does not get to the heart of the matter. The heart of the matter is that I value thinking of her and thinking of myself over thinking of my God. My solution was, "I can improve myself by thinking differently and improving my perspective on life." What a crock! I'm no better than modern self-help writers!

I can't fix myself. I can't brainwash myself into behaving better. I can't change myself. I don't change. I can't change.

Change comes not out of a desire to fix myself, but out of a desire of God to sanctify me. Repentance comes out of a humility before God. That is, acknowledging my depravity and shame of sin before God.

Stop. ^Right There^

That's a thought of God. Acknowledging Him.

It's so easy to put myself over God.

But, what about my partner? Yeah, I do that too. I love to think of her. I love her. I love putting her in a position she can't fill.


Well, why do I fear and doubt, then? Well, that's because she can't fill God's perfect and unfailing role as, well, "God."

I'll give you an example. She says something off, and doesn't reply to a text for while. What do I assume?
"She's angry with me."
"I did something bad."
"She must like someone or something else better."
"What's wrong with me."
"Why can't I please her."

Etc, etc. She was distracted away from the phone for a while, and I go on assuming everything's wrong with her, my self, and my life. I put her on a pedestal, and I assumed that she could do no wrong, and would never fail me. I assumed that she would fit into my idea of "perfection."

She didn't.
She couldn't.
My expectation of her was sinful.
I do idolize Rebekah.