Question #1: Do I idolize her?

"Are you ever tempted to elevate your partner or your love relationship over God Himself?"

^That's the big question for today.^

Answer: All the time. It could be doubt, or fear, or lust or a variety of things that cause my heart and mind to shift focus away from God and towards her. The sad thing is, this happens all the time.

Like right now. Right now, I'm scared she doesn't enjoy me, and doesn't want me. What a lie! If anything, she should fear this! I hardly give her time during the day, and since she's not devoting herself completely to me right now, I should doubt? I do the things that I hate others doing to me. Essentially, I'm living out all of my fears. So I should stop worrying?

Stop. ^Right there^

Where was God in that explanation? That whole thought, that whole line rationalizing and explaining my fears just distracted me away from the truth. She is a blessing given to me me by God, not a subject to muse and think over constantly. My explanation was "I do the same things, and shouldn't worry." That's certainly true, but that explanation does not get to the heart of the matter. The heart of the matter is that I value thinking of her and thinking of myself over thinking of my God. My solution was, "I can improve myself by thinking differently and improving my perspective on life." What a crock! I'm no better than modern self-help writers!

I can't fix myself. I can't brainwash myself into behaving better. I can't change myself. I don't change. I can't change.

Change comes not out of a desire to fix myself, but out of a desire of God to sanctify me. Repentance comes out of a humility before God. That is, acknowledging my depravity and shame of sin before God.

Stop. ^Right There^

That's a thought of God. Acknowledging Him.

It's so easy to put myself over God.

But, what about my partner? Yeah, I do that too. I love to think of her. I love her. I love putting her in a position she can't fill.


Well, why do I fear and doubt, then? Well, that's because she can't fill God's perfect and unfailing role as, well, "God."

I'll give you an example. She says something off, and doesn't reply to a text for while. What do I assume?
"She's angry with me."
"I did something bad."
"She must like someone or something else better."
"What's wrong with me."
"Why can't I please her."

Etc, etc. She was distracted away from the phone for a while, and I go on assuming everything's wrong with her, my self, and my life. I put her on a pedestal, and I assumed that she could do no wrong, and would never fail me. I assumed that she would fit into my idea of "perfection."

She didn't.
She couldn't.
My expectation of her was sinful.
I do idolize Rebekah.