The Gossip Monster

She sneaks into your thoughts,
Sultry, seductive, a keen woman,
implanting fears, concerns,
all lies.

A devil in my ear,
she whispers comforts;
deceptive, she leads me to pain.
She hurts.

The gossip monster,
Fierce and unrelenting,
her yoke is strong
and her burden is heavy.

This woman,
promising sunshine,
drowns you in darkness,
a quick fall.

She starts as something small,
unspoken.
Then she is fed by the lips of a man,
tempted to speak, you give in; you let her in.

She plants herself inside your soul,
inside your heart,
grows like a cancer,
devours you from the inside,
until there's nothing left
but the monster herself.

Courtship.

So today,
I tried to make
a bride and groom
out of paper.

I started with the groom.
Folding away,
it eventually came to be.
(It looked like it should.)

Then, I tried to make the bride,
but couldn't.
I folded, made creases,
but it ripped.

I tried again, with another sheet of paper.
I folded, made creases,
but the more I did,
the harder each next step became.

I eventually gave up,
I was too frustrated.
I could only make a groom,
but I couldn't make a wife.

Our Journey

Dear Joshua,

We've been together for so long now. For nearly 2 years. Although this is the time that it gets tough, when we start getting tired and aggravated, it is also a time that we learn how much endurance each other and ourselves have. This past month has been a big struggle, and probably even longer for you, because you were holding your feelings inside.

This has been a very testing time.

But God had a purpose for this, and that was for us to learn. To learn more about each other, ourselves, and Him. It has been a time to learn to rely on God. I have realized that I can't just rely on myself to change, but if I ask God for help, he will give it.

God is so Good.

I am so glad, that despite the struggles, arguments, and all, we were able to stay together. And I think the only reason for this is God. He has kept us together for a reason, and not let us separate. He has a plan for us to grow in love, and to learn what love really means. Love means a whole lot. I could go on and rant about all of the things that entail what love is, but at its heart, it is doing whats best for the other person, and sacrificing and enduring through the toughest of times. Love is being strong in the storm. And we could not have been strong in the storm without God. He is our rock, our stronghold. He is the one who protects us and keeps us safe when battles arise.

He has a beautiful plan for us. I can already see the effects of his plan in my heart, and in the way you say your heart feels. Despite, or maybe even because of our issues, I find myself loving you more now than I ever have before!

And this is all because of God! When we put Him at the center of our relationship, He helps us to grow in strength and love. He loves us so much, that He takes control.

God is the only way that we can truly love each other. And Thank God that He is here for us!

I love you so so much, Josh, more than I ever have, and I know that is only because of God.

What a great God He is! To Him be all the glory! Amen!

Looking forward.

Dear Rebekah,

So, if there's one thing that I've learned today from watching hours of grey's anatomy and desperate housewives, it's that deception is never a good thing. That marital deception, at it's heart, is rooted in desire.

But what could it be for? A desire for other things? A desire for new things? A desire for sex? A desire for many women? As I watched this show, I saw deception ruining friendships, marriages, love...

Men were cheating on their wives, and girlfriends. Women were cheating on husbands, and boyfriends. And all of these people were friends! So, what became of this devotion was nothing but an interwoven, complicated mess.

How could this have been prevented? A little effort, I think. Effort, that is, put towards their morals.

Put towards their love.

Now, here comes the hard part, the one that I don’t want to say. This comes from a man who has not succeeded in these things. A man who has, instead, turned to the world for affection; I’ve traded real love for a temporary pleasure. It is this pleasure that I turn my eyes to nightly while I am away. The pangs of lust are too strong for my heart to look away from. While I pray for a way out, I do yet still scheme for a way in.

If only I put such effort towards good things, like “morals.” You see, I am no different from the world I jest and scoff at. I embody everything that I hate. I am my own death and destruction.

At least, that is what the enemy would like me to think. While I do these things, and while I am still a hypocrite, God has done so much to make my fate the complete opposite of what I deserve. The enemy would love for me to think that I am despondent. I’m sure that Satan would enjoy seeing me hopeless. My fate has been sealed in eternity, because Jesus Christ made it so.

I seek to encourage you with the truth, Rebekah. I am a sinner, and I deserve the stones that come my way. I am not trying to atone through you, but I do ask for your forgiveness. I seek to live a life by God; I want to repent under his shield and guidance. I want my life to mean more than the sin that runs rampant inside of me. You cannot do this, Rebekah, though it has been my tragic mistake to assume that you could.

I call this a refocus. I call this a call to arms. I pray it does not end like the others. I pray that my devotion would not run dry. I pray that my motivation would stay true to only God, our Father.

My love, what I’ve learned from Him.

-Josh

Collage I made last September

A Year and a Half

God is so good. :)

Isn't it amazing what an adventure He has brought us through? From that first "Amen," God has had His hand on the both of us. He has blessed me so much by placing such a special man into my life whom I love so much!

It went from the Amen, to you coming to my play, to a whole conversation over facebook that lasted about a month or so, and the excitement that i felt when you asked me out for dinner with you and your friends.

I can still remember that first date, Abby and Jenna trying to make me look as pretty as possible by putting pounds of makeup on my face. I can clearly remember waiting for a half an hour wondering if you'd blown me off, but knowing that you're not the kind of person who would do that. I laugh at remembering the little bread man you made with the napkin hat. I remember how nervous I was talking with you in the car and hoping that I didn't sound too nervous. I remember sitting in the theater watching Twilight, and feeling a bit awkward. I remember sharing our faith while we waited for my dad to come rescue us from the ice at 1:00 in the morning.

I remember our daily phone calls after that. I remember bouncing up and down when you told me that your first internship was in Maryland.I remember when, after 2 months, you finally told me that you liked me. I remember waiting for 2 weeks and a half an hour, anxiously waiting to know, and praying that you wouldn't be afraid to date me.

I remember my dad telling me of his first meeting with you. I remember the first time I had dinner with your parents. I remember learning about why you were so afraid to date me, and how my dad encouraged you not to be afraid of becoming like your parents. Remember, in my dictionary, divorce is not a word. :)

Haha, I remember taking you ice skating. I remember your awkward laugh. I remember when you couldn't decide whether or not we should hold hands. I remember the day I knew that I loved you. I remember the day you told me you loved me. (Mind you, these were two separate days, far apart from each other.) I remember waaaay back when, thinking you were perfect, lol. I did, I really did. But, you know, I am not disappointed one bit that you're not perfect, that you're not what I expected when we started to become interested in each other. In fact, I am so soooo happy (I'm smiling now) that you're not that, because God gave me the unpredictable. And He made me anxious to learn more and more about you. Even the bad parts, they kind of shape who you are. The good parts of course too. :) Because I see you grow daily and become more mature in your faith in God, in your love for me, in your care for your friends, in your devotion to your family. I am so glad that I have a companion who is so similar, and yet, so completely different from me, that makes me love you in a way that i really can't describe. (Like, I'm not sure how to put it to words.)

I think back to the days when it got really hard, those days when we were arguing every single night, and I wonder how we got through those. Josh, its a miracle. Crap, I'm crying, lol. Its a miracle, a gift from God that we're still together after all of that. I don't even remember how we came about stopping the arguments. So all I can do is thank the Lord that He kept us together. God really is so good. :)

Oh Joshua Highfield, I love you so very much!

Happy 18 months darling, would you mind if we had more?

A struggle..

My friend?

No, that’s not my friend. He’s just a person I say “hi” to every now and then. Sometimes, I may ask him how he’s doing, or even how his week/weekend has been. But no, that’s not my friend. I mean, a friend is someone who you share things with. A friend is someone you can do things with, and not feel nervous. A friend should be close to you, and know just who you are. But, that guy? Naw, he’s not any of those. He’s just someone I talk to.

Oh sure, I could be friends with him. I’m sure I could be great friends with him! I’m already on the right track; we talk almost every day now. I know what he’s been up to all week, and he knows, likewise, the same about me. Yeah, we’re on our way to a real close friendship, you know?

Well, I guess…I mean, that’s how you make a friend, right? You talk with them, you ask questions of them, and you try to do it often. Wait, that’s not badgering them, is it? Is it wrong to push myself on them? Am I pushing myself on them? Am I being too forceful? Do they not like my intentionality?

I really want to be friends with that person. I mean, he seems like a great guy. He has a lot of fun on the weekends. Well, it seems like a lot of fun to me. I want to be a part of that. I want to have lots of fun on the weekends, too. I want to be just like him. I want to live like he does. I mean, have a lot of fun.

I don’t usually do those things. I see plenty of others doing them, and they seem to have so much fun. I really want to have fun, too. This guy, he says he’s got a lot of friends. I want a lot of friends, too. Maybe I can be friends with his friends. Do you think they’ll like me? I don’t have that many friends. Maybe he can get me a bunch of friends. Would he do that for me?

He might not like it if I just entered into his life. He sometime seems anxious when we talk. He might not like our conversations. Does he not want to be my friend? Do you think he dislikes me? Why would he? I mean, we talk all the time. We’re really close. We know everything that’s going on with each other. Does that make us close? Does he like our conversations?

Why would he dislike me? I’m trying to open up to him! I’m trying my best to stay caught up. I want him to know that I care about him. I want to be his friend. Maybe I should lay off for a little while. Would he welcome me back after a few days? Maybe I should hide myself away from him. You know, avoid his area whenever possible. Try not to walk by his desk. I’ll try not to use the printer near there. I’ll go a different way to the bathroom. I’ll take a different route to my boss. He’ll never see me. Will he want me back? Will he miss our little conversations? Do you think he’ll miss me?

I just want to be his friend. I just want to have some friends. I just want to have a lot of friends. I just want cool friends. I just want friends that are awesome to be around. I just want people who will accept me. I just want to be loved.

You see, friends, this is a problem. I want so much to be loved, and I want others that I can love. What starts out as a small desire for friendship, it quickly becomes an obsession. Fear. Hatred. Greed. Lust. Hopelessness. These are all a part of this story. To me, it comes as a surprise that I can be so involved, and yet so ungrateful.

What happens to those I leave behind? What becomes of the people who already love me? Do I push them off, only for when I need them? Do I just not like them? Are they so insignificant, that I can’t acknowledge them? I bet that they don’t like to be forgotten. I bet that they don’t like to be neglected. I bet they’d be hurt if they knew what I was doing.

Friends, friendship shouldn’t be so hard. This is an obsession; it is idolatry. Instead of serving these brothers and sisters, I am worshipping them as Gods. To me, they are the way for salvation from not being popular. If I accept and trust in them, they will lead the way to a better life. They are Gods among men. These are the titans who rule over all. These people are the key to better living. I should follow them. I must follow them. To me, friendship is so important. To me, having a lot of friends is important. Quantity and quality go hand in hand, right?

People will fail me. People will always fail me. They’ve failed me here. They don’t want me. They don’t want me to be a part of their group of friends. I can’t join. They won’t let me. These Gods can not be trusted. I trusted them. I followed them. I was not saved.

Oh, but what about that guy down the hall? Maybe I should talk to him.

The cycle repeats. It always repeats. I need someone that won’t fail. I need something that will satisfy. I need a real savior. I really need a real savior. I really need a true friend. I really need a true friend, a savior, a person that won’t fail me, a person that will listen, a person that won’t turn their head away, a person who won’t hate me, a person who won’t grow weary of me.

I need God. I need His son, Jesus Christ. I need some help, His holy spirit.

I need them. So bad.