Collage I made last September

A Year and a Half

God is so good. :)

Isn't it amazing what an adventure He has brought us through? From that first "Amen," God has had His hand on the both of us. He has blessed me so much by placing such a special man into my life whom I love so much!

It went from the Amen, to you coming to my play, to a whole conversation over facebook that lasted about a month or so, and the excitement that i felt when you asked me out for dinner with you and your friends.

I can still remember that first date, Abby and Jenna trying to make me look as pretty as possible by putting pounds of makeup on my face. I can clearly remember waiting for a half an hour wondering if you'd blown me off, but knowing that you're not the kind of person who would do that. I laugh at remembering the little bread man you made with the napkin hat. I remember how nervous I was talking with you in the car and hoping that I didn't sound too nervous. I remember sitting in the theater watching Twilight, and feeling a bit awkward. I remember sharing our faith while we waited for my dad to come rescue us from the ice at 1:00 in the morning.

I remember our daily phone calls after that. I remember bouncing up and down when you told me that your first internship was in Maryland.I remember when, after 2 months, you finally told me that you liked me. I remember waiting for 2 weeks and a half an hour, anxiously waiting to know, and praying that you wouldn't be afraid to date me.

I remember my dad telling me of his first meeting with you. I remember the first time I had dinner with your parents. I remember learning about why you were so afraid to date me, and how my dad encouraged you not to be afraid of becoming like your parents. Remember, in my dictionary, divorce is not a word. :)

Haha, I remember taking you ice skating. I remember your awkward laugh. I remember when you couldn't decide whether or not we should hold hands. I remember the day I knew that I loved you. I remember the day you told me you loved me. (Mind you, these were two separate days, far apart from each other.) I remember waaaay back when, thinking you were perfect, lol. I did, I really did. But, you know, I am not disappointed one bit that you're not perfect, that you're not what I expected when we started to become interested in each other. In fact, I am so soooo happy (I'm smiling now) that you're not that, because God gave me the unpredictable. And He made me anxious to learn more and more about you. Even the bad parts, they kind of shape who you are. The good parts of course too. :) Because I see you grow daily and become more mature in your faith in God, in your love for me, in your care for your friends, in your devotion to your family. I am so glad that I have a companion who is so similar, and yet, so completely different from me, that makes me love you in a way that i really can't describe. (Like, I'm not sure how to put it to words.)

I think back to the days when it got really hard, those days when we were arguing every single night, and I wonder how we got through those. Josh, its a miracle. Crap, I'm crying, lol. Its a miracle, a gift from God that we're still together after all of that. I don't even remember how we came about stopping the arguments. So all I can do is thank the Lord that He kept us together. God really is so good. :)

Oh Joshua Highfield, I love you so very much!

Happy 18 months darling, would you mind if we had more?

A struggle..

My friend?

No, that’s not my friend. He’s just a person I say “hi” to every now and then. Sometimes, I may ask him how he’s doing, or even how his week/weekend has been. But no, that’s not my friend. I mean, a friend is someone who you share things with. A friend is someone you can do things with, and not feel nervous. A friend should be close to you, and know just who you are. But, that guy? Naw, he’s not any of those. He’s just someone I talk to.

Oh sure, I could be friends with him. I’m sure I could be great friends with him! I’m already on the right track; we talk almost every day now. I know what he’s been up to all week, and he knows, likewise, the same about me. Yeah, we’re on our way to a real close friendship, you know?

Well, I guess…I mean, that’s how you make a friend, right? You talk with them, you ask questions of them, and you try to do it often. Wait, that’s not badgering them, is it? Is it wrong to push myself on them? Am I pushing myself on them? Am I being too forceful? Do they not like my intentionality?

I really want to be friends with that person. I mean, he seems like a great guy. He has a lot of fun on the weekends. Well, it seems like a lot of fun to me. I want to be a part of that. I want to have lots of fun on the weekends, too. I want to be just like him. I want to live like he does. I mean, have a lot of fun.

I don’t usually do those things. I see plenty of others doing them, and they seem to have so much fun. I really want to have fun, too. This guy, he says he’s got a lot of friends. I want a lot of friends, too. Maybe I can be friends with his friends. Do you think they’ll like me? I don’t have that many friends. Maybe he can get me a bunch of friends. Would he do that for me?

He might not like it if I just entered into his life. He sometime seems anxious when we talk. He might not like our conversations. Does he not want to be my friend? Do you think he dislikes me? Why would he? I mean, we talk all the time. We’re really close. We know everything that’s going on with each other. Does that make us close? Does he like our conversations?

Why would he dislike me? I’m trying to open up to him! I’m trying my best to stay caught up. I want him to know that I care about him. I want to be his friend. Maybe I should lay off for a little while. Would he welcome me back after a few days? Maybe I should hide myself away from him. You know, avoid his area whenever possible. Try not to walk by his desk. I’ll try not to use the printer near there. I’ll go a different way to the bathroom. I’ll take a different route to my boss. He’ll never see me. Will he want me back? Will he miss our little conversations? Do you think he’ll miss me?

I just want to be his friend. I just want to have some friends. I just want to have a lot of friends. I just want cool friends. I just want friends that are awesome to be around. I just want people who will accept me. I just want to be loved.

You see, friends, this is a problem. I want so much to be loved, and I want others that I can love. What starts out as a small desire for friendship, it quickly becomes an obsession. Fear. Hatred. Greed. Lust. Hopelessness. These are all a part of this story. To me, it comes as a surprise that I can be so involved, and yet so ungrateful.

What happens to those I leave behind? What becomes of the people who already love me? Do I push them off, only for when I need them? Do I just not like them? Are they so insignificant, that I can’t acknowledge them? I bet that they don’t like to be forgotten. I bet that they don’t like to be neglected. I bet they’d be hurt if they knew what I was doing.

Friends, friendship shouldn’t be so hard. This is an obsession; it is idolatry. Instead of serving these brothers and sisters, I am worshipping them as Gods. To me, they are the way for salvation from not being popular. If I accept and trust in them, they will lead the way to a better life. They are Gods among men. These are the titans who rule over all. These people are the key to better living. I should follow them. I must follow them. To me, friendship is so important. To me, having a lot of friends is important. Quantity and quality go hand in hand, right?

People will fail me. People will always fail me. They’ve failed me here. They don’t want me. They don’t want me to be a part of their group of friends. I can’t join. They won’t let me. These Gods can not be trusted. I trusted them. I followed them. I was not saved.

Oh, but what about that guy down the hall? Maybe I should talk to him.

The cycle repeats. It always repeats. I need someone that won’t fail. I need something that will satisfy. I need a real savior. I really need a real savior. I really need a true friend. I really need a true friend, a savior, a person that won’t fail me, a person that will listen, a person that won’t turn their head away, a person who won’t hate me, a person who won’t grow weary of me.

I need God. I need His son, Jesus Christ. I need some help, His holy spirit.

I need them. So bad.

A love letter.

So,

It seems like this is the first note that I’ve written to you in a very long time. Unfortunately, this statement is far too accurate. It reflects a lack of desire, an abundance of fear, and a plethora of excuses. Now, I’m not about to say that I’ve changed, and lo and behold, I’m moving on to something new… Rather, I mean to say that I’m sorry for not treating you to such little love notes. And, I’m sorry for not giving you the time of mind that you deserve to receive.

But, on with the note! So, what to say? It seems like everything’s been said before. That’s kind of discouraging. Well, although it may have been said, the message still rings true.

Rebekah, I love you. Although I desire such terrible things (sex, lust, and other sinful activities), I desire to be wed with you more. You see, when I violate this bond of trust between us, I always feel guilty. Guilty, that is, for he children that we will one day have. They’ll have to live with an abundantly sinful father. Just as much, however, I feel guilty for you. You sit there, you wait for me every weekend, and yet, my affections could be at any random place, at any random moment. That is to say, it’s apparent that my commitment to you des not always seem visible, especially when I’m late for things, and plan things that interfere with our own.

On the outside, I may seem like a many of many lives, but I yearn for just one. I yearn for that life spent glorifying my father. Well, I also yearn for that physical life spent with one woman, I guess… I jest, but I do long for you. I love your embrace. I love your care, and affection. I love your servitude (not slavery, hehe). I love your devotion.

Though I fail in my obligations to you. Though I go astray often. Though I may rightfully be accused of thoughtfulness, you still stand with me. For that, I am so grateful. I’m sure that there are millions of men out there who would love a friend/girlfriend/courter like you in their life. I’m kind of glad that I claimed you when I did. J

I love you, Rebekah, and I don’t want to be with any other woman. I love your commitment, and your friendship. I’m sorry for the terrible things that I do to violate those things. Things like pornography, lust, anger, and deceit. They manifest themselves in a variety of different forms; that is, I’m guilty on many, many accounts.

I’ve so enjoyed these last few (uh, seventeen?) months with you. I’ve enjoyed our adventures, our hardships, and our joys.

Mind if we have more?

The wolf.

Part 1.

I come rushing in

I am the hurricane.

With force, and without regard,

My path blazes

Headstrong, I enter the room,

Halfheaded, I have been all along.

While this audience may not know,

Destruction is certain

Swift, my fury.

Bold, my advance.

Heartless, my self.

When I push too hard,

When I seek too strongly,

I never consider those in the way.

The little girl crying.

The father, now without family.

Why did I not care to stop?

Where was my head, my conscience?

I am always caught up in myself,

I hold a mirror in one hand.

A gun in the other

Terror can be fun,

Terror can pleasure me.

I let it control me.

It becomes my arms, my legs,

My thoughts, my desires,

My life.

I never wished to be defined by that which everyone hates.

Yet, I never raised a finger in opposition to my deadly offense.

Is fear, and is loathing,

Worth my pleasure?

Ah, I wish for things I should not do.

I realize when I do them.

A sinner,

I am Lost in myself.

Imperfect, and fully aware,

Yet I do not care.

God, how you must hate me!

How you must look at me with anger.

And yet, with tears.

You never desired me to act this way.

Heartbroken, you still love.

As A wife, who forgives her adulterous husband.

As A father, who welcomes back his prodigal son.

This love,

I can really rest on.

My desires, they take their very own precedence.

May God precede my heart.

May God forgive me, though I am covered in blood,

An Innocent’s blood,

I murdered with full intent.

I cannot hide.

I should not try.

Part 2.

And yet, I am born again.

Yet?

I never deserved any of this.

I am born again.

I am given hope.

I can pull myself out of my own filth.

Well, that’s not true.

I’ve been getting some help.

I am born again.

My mind is renewed.

How can I explain.

I do not desire what hurts me,

And hurts others,

and hurts someone I do not yet know.

I look on with passion.

I move with desire.

A new desire.

I am new.

MY body is new.

Refreshed underneath the skin.

A new desire pulls at my heart.

I am free.

MY chains are gone.

My bondsge has ended.

Now, I may start life brand new.

The blood is fresh on my fangs,

Though, it’s as if it were never there.

The blood has been washed away.

My tools rendered unusable.

My life,

My life is changed.

And I could never be more grateful.

Though, I know, I one day will.

Seeing God in His glory.

How could I not submit?

A life in pain,

Is worth an eternity in joy.

Won’t you join?

Part 3.

My adventure.

I learn that while I live,

I die.

I am no more,

Yet I am reborn.

I have a second chance.

I have an advocate.

I have way out,

Of myself.

While I do sin,

I remain hopeful.

This hope has yet to fail.

I can believe that it’s real.

I can see how really believable it is.

Join me.

I want you to see this glory.

I know you can understand this truth.

This is no cage.

Could it be more open?

The facts are simple.

You get what you deserve.

And yet, something has gone awry.

All it takes is faith.

And devotion, too.

Are they that hard to sacrifice?

Consider these things.

I pray that you’d trust.

As God is our only hope.

As Jesus is our only saviour.

As life is a narrow path.

Jesus is the way.

Jesus is the truth.

Jesus is the life.

I am loved,

So are you.

Take the gamble.

Make the choice.

Love God,

His wonderful plan.

This great salvation.

Deceit

As it twirls your hair with its finger,

deceit forms a convincing grin.

Its eyes are too beautiful to look past.

You've ceased your gaze upon its black lips.

With those same lips, it lays down on your skin.

Its kiss is wonderful.

This kiss was never reserved for you.

Nor any other woman.

It was reserved for his own pleasure.

To be given to anything he desires.

Human or not.

This kiss; the man's revolver.

Shooting down the innocence

of those who come too close.

Deceit is no hero.

Deceit is not brave.

No, deceit is cunning.

It lurks behind your good intentions

of love, of joy, of commitment.

Deceit gets its way,

As I try to live without,

It's found another way to win.

Deceit is a person

of modest appearance,

of likeable style,

and of thoughtful remarks.

Yet, it is a liar.

A body with no soul,

It searches for others',

And steals them swiftly.

Once you've noticed,

you're too late.

Deceit has taken what he wants,

and left you with nothing.

Deceit undermines your relationships,

your friendships, and your life.

Where once was potential,

is now a briefcase full of regret.

Do you regret who you've betrayed?

Oh God, this apathy,

a result of deceit's long story,

ruins my heart.

Can I feel you once more?

Can you save me from these daggers,

the pains of guilt and regret?

May my punishment

be effective,

and may it cut straight to my heart.

A lifetime of earthly pain

pales when compared to an eternity of joy.

Sanctify me through my brokenness.

May I rejoice when the hurt cuts deep!

May I love the cleansing embers!

Oh God, fill this shell

with hope,

and with gratitude.

May it last.

May I feel it forever!

Help me to turn from this,

my struggle.

My deceit.