A struggle..

My friend?

No, that’s not my friend. He’s just a person I say “hi” to every now and then. Sometimes, I may ask him how he’s doing, or even how his week/weekend has been. But no, that’s not my friend. I mean, a friend is someone who you share things with. A friend is someone you can do things with, and not feel nervous. A friend should be close to you, and know just who you are. But, that guy? Naw, he’s not any of those. He’s just someone I talk to.

Oh sure, I could be friends with him. I’m sure I could be great friends with him! I’m already on the right track; we talk almost every day now. I know what he’s been up to all week, and he knows, likewise, the same about me. Yeah, we’re on our way to a real close friendship, you know?

Well, I guess…I mean, that’s how you make a friend, right? You talk with them, you ask questions of them, and you try to do it often. Wait, that’s not badgering them, is it? Is it wrong to push myself on them? Am I pushing myself on them? Am I being too forceful? Do they not like my intentionality?

I really want to be friends with that person. I mean, he seems like a great guy. He has a lot of fun on the weekends. Well, it seems like a lot of fun to me. I want to be a part of that. I want to have lots of fun on the weekends, too. I want to be just like him. I want to live like he does. I mean, have a lot of fun.

I don’t usually do those things. I see plenty of others doing them, and they seem to have so much fun. I really want to have fun, too. This guy, he says he’s got a lot of friends. I want a lot of friends, too. Maybe I can be friends with his friends. Do you think they’ll like me? I don’t have that many friends. Maybe he can get me a bunch of friends. Would he do that for me?

He might not like it if I just entered into his life. He sometime seems anxious when we talk. He might not like our conversations. Does he not want to be my friend? Do you think he dislikes me? Why would he? I mean, we talk all the time. We’re really close. We know everything that’s going on with each other. Does that make us close? Does he like our conversations?

Why would he dislike me? I’m trying to open up to him! I’m trying my best to stay caught up. I want him to know that I care about him. I want to be his friend. Maybe I should lay off for a little while. Would he welcome me back after a few days? Maybe I should hide myself away from him. You know, avoid his area whenever possible. Try not to walk by his desk. I’ll try not to use the printer near there. I’ll go a different way to the bathroom. I’ll take a different route to my boss. He’ll never see me. Will he want me back? Will he miss our little conversations? Do you think he’ll miss me?

I just want to be his friend. I just want to have some friends. I just want to have a lot of friends. I just want cool friends. I just want friends that are awesome to be around. I just want people who will accept me. I just want to be loved.

You see, friends, this is a problem. I want so much to be loved, and I want others that I can love. What starts out as a small desire for friendship, it quickly becomes an obsession. Fear. Hatred. Greed. Lust. Hopelessness. These are all a part of this story. To me, it comes as a surprise that I can be so involved, and yet so ungrateful.

What happens to those I leave behind? What becomes of the people who already love me? Do I push them off, only for when I need them? Do I just not like them? Are they so insignificant, that I can’t acknowledge them? I bet that they don’t like to be forgotten. I bet that they don’t like to be neglected. I bet they’d be hurt if they knew what I was doing.

Friends, friendship shouldn’t be so hard. This is an obsession; it is idolatry. Instead of serving these brothers and sisters, I am worshipping them as Gods. To me, they are the way for salvation from not being popular. If I accept and trust in them, they will lead the way to a better life. They are Gods among men. These are the titans who rule over all. These people are the key to better living. I should follow them. I must follow them. To me, friendship is so important. To me, having a lot of friends is important. Quantity and quality go hand in hand, right?

People will fail me. People will always fail me. They’ve failed me here. They don’t want me. They don’t want me to be a part of their group of friends. I can’t join. They won’t let me. These Gods can not be trusted. I trusted them. I followed them. I was not saved.

Oh, but what about that guy down the hall? Maybe I should talk to him.

The cycle repeats. It always repeats. I need someone that won’t fail. I need something that will satisfy. I need a real savior. I really need a real savior. I really need a true friend. I really need a true friend, a savior, a person that won’t fail me, a person that will listen, a person that won’t turn their head away, a person who won’t hate me, a person who won’t grow weary of me.

I need God. I need His son, Jesus Christ. I need some help, His holy spirit.

I need them. So bad.