Commitment.

I do what I like.

So sue me! I got needs. I got desires. I got wishes and dreams, too. I shouldn't need to change...

I work for what I have. I work for what I deserve. Why can't I have that much?

I want to be treated with respect. I work so hard for you. Why can't I have a little sympathy?



^That stuff up there? I say it all of the time. Well, I "think" it, at least. No, this isn't just with Rebekah. This is for every single friend and family member. Inside my head, I have quite the mouth. I'll deride (internally) every step, every emotion, everything said if it doesn't meet with my desires.

I'm quite the wicked person, I'll admit.

I desire respect, service, and love. But, they don't fit your definitions. I ascribe my own meanings. I want respect for everything that I do. I want you to serve me without question. I want to be loved unconditionally. Do you not fit this list? Odds are, I've met your "shortcomings" with cursing and hate.

Question: Why am I, all of a sudden, pouring my confessions of wickedness out? Even more so, why in this blog?

Check the title, make sure it reads "Commitment." It's amazing that I can pretend so well to resemble this quality, when you all have no idea of how I really treat you. Sure, I can serve well; I can even pretend to "like" it. Truth is, I couldn't despise it more. I can really put up nice front of caring and compassion. I really could care less about others' issues and hurt.

Can't you see? It's all a ploy to make you "like" and "value" me as a friend!

In reality, I have no idea of how to make and maintain a friendship. I have no idea of what commitment to something, or someone really is. I see how others act, and I try my hardest to replicate just what they do.

Again, just why is this in your accountability blog?

I wish I could be more committed to upholding God's commandments of pure and gracious living and speech, Rebekah. I want to be more committed to growing in love and faith with you, Rebekah. I would like to be more committed to developing our bond of friendship, as it turns into love. I desire to be more committed to your education, and helping you to continue to perform wonderfully at college. I hope to be more committed to your parents' suggestions and guidance for our relationship.

I pray that I can be more committed to you and my friends. I pray that I could be less committed to myself.