Lately, no, for a while, I've been noticing a horrible pattern in myself. It happened again tonight...
When Dad told us to get our Bibles for devotions tonight, I got this feeling inside of me. A bad feeling. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but it was like I was complaining to myself about having to do devotions again. As if it were a bad thing. Its like I was dreading sitting there for an hour hearing Dad talk and read the Bible.
What?!?! Why do I dread it? Its the Bible!
Why should I be complaining about hearing God's Word and learning more about Him? I guess I just feel like it drones on and its hard to listen to. Then, I just end up zoning it out and thinking about other things. I am ashamed of this behavior!
Is it laziness? A lack of care? I think its both. I don't care about God enough to actually make an effort to study His Word and grow. Sure, I talk to Him and I look up Bible verses, but when it actually comes down to sitting down and reading a chapter, I don't even try to absorb it. I am not devoted to Him like I should be.
Its ironic how the name "Rebekah" means "Earnest Devotee" because that's exactly what I'm not.
What to do? What to do about this? Do I love God enough to pursue Him with my whole heart? Do I have the conviction that I need? I just need to be reminded of how hard He worked to save me, just because He loves me. Now that right there is love. Real, true, pure love. Sacrificing yourself, going through the hardest tests and trials anyone has ever experienced, resisting every single temptation, all for the sake of us miserable sinners who don't even try. If that doesn't convict me, I don't know what would.
Christ died for me and the Holy Spirit works in me. In that, I should be convicted and motivated to live for God and to love Him. And that starts with paying attention in Bible study...
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